Questions About Parenting Tools


Frequently asked questions about positive and effective directions

1. Why does my child not do as told when I use positive directions?

2. What should I do when my child does not comply with my direction - should I just give up?

3. Do I have to touch him every time I am giving a direction?

4. I find it difficult to give a nice direction without asking a question.

5. Should children always do what their parents tell them? They are not robots, after all.

 


Frequently asked questions about praise and encouragement

6. Can children be spoiled by too much praise and reward? Should children not behave well as a matter of course?

7. It seems almost as if receiving praise does not matter to my boy. It appears to just bounce off him.

8. It seems unnatural to me to give so much praise and reward and to be so positive. I feel like it is manipulative and false.

9. Must I continue to use the incentive chart until she is an adult?

10. How long should I be using one incentive chart before starting another?

 


General Questions About Setting Boundaries

11. Is it not wrong to punish one's children?
12. My child always does as told once I get angry enough. Why should I change this, given that it works?

 

Frequently asked questions about positive and effective directions


1. Why does my child not do as told when I use positive directions?

This is not an instant cure, yet positive directions increase the likelihood that children collaborate better. It is important to focus on first assessing how you give directions. This helps you to not have too high expectations that your child will cooperate with all directions. Changing habits takes time.

 

 


2. What should I do when my child does not comply with my direction - should I just give up?

Try not to react to soon.  Give your child the opportunity to cooperate. If your child still does not listen, try to step away and remain calm. After a brief period, go back and try something new - if you are sure you can remain calm.

 

 


3. Do I have to touch him every time I am giving a direction?

Closeness and touch are often good tools to get a child's attention, but you can experiment a bit to see if your child listens just as well when you use her/his name or say "look at me".

 

 


4. I find it difficult to give a nice direction without asking a question.

It can seem nicer to ask than to give a direction, but remember that your child can then say no to whatever you ask. By using a friendly tone, and ending your directions with words and phrases such as "please" and "if you would be so kind", the direction is given in a nice way without being posed as a question.

 

 


5. Should children always do what their parents tell them? They are not robots, after all.

Children do not always do what we tell them. We know that those children who do what adults tell them approximately 7 out of 10 times are the ones who actually do best in life.

 

Frequently asked questions about praise and encouragement


6. Can children be spoiled by too much praise and reward? Should children not behave well as a matter of course?

To expect children to behave well without encouragement is unrealistic.

If parents pay attention to a behavior, it is more likely that the child will repeat the behavior. Good behavior should never be taken for granted, for it might then quickly disappear. Positive attention to desired behaviors makes the child more motivated to learn.

 


7. It seems almost as if receiving praise does not matter to my boy. It appears to just bounce off him.

So-called "problem children" are often difficult to encourage, but that is precisely why they need more encouragment than other children. They have often developed a negative self-image and do not think of themselves as being good enough. It is therefore difficult for them to receive positive messages about themselves from others. Parents need practice in giving positive feedback and looking for positive behavior that they can encourage and reward even if the child appears unaffected by praise. Learning something new requires extra motivation.

 


8. It seems unnatural to me to give so much praise and reward and to be so positive. I feel like it is manipulative and false.

Giving praise in this way does not come naturally to everyone at first. It can take some time before you are more comfortable with it. Because children imitate the behavior of the people around them, the way you yourself act have a great impact on how and what your child learns. Think about your own behavior.

What you say and do when your child is present affects the way your child thinks and behaves. You are the role model. It has also been shown that praise and encouragement is very important to turn around children who are exhibiting negative behavior. Parents may find this behavior false, especially in the beginning. It is a good idea to think of this as something that must be practised.

 

 


9. Must I continue to use the incentive chart until she is an adult?

Normally the intencive chart can be scaled down as the child learns. The good effects can be maintained by more random encouragement. If problems arise again, the incentive chart can be reintroduced. Our experience shows that some children, and particularly those with ADHD, need systems for encouragement on a more continuous basis. Some benefit from the structure this creates.

 


10. How long should I be using one incentive chart before starting another?

You should stick to one incentive chart for as long as it takes to establish a new habit and make it stable - you should not have to remind your child or nag in order to get the task done. It is therefore important that you pay close attention to what is happening, and use what you have learned. Read and follow any written guidelines you may have been given.

This way, it is easier to know when to move on. It is the parents who have the primary responsibility for sticking to the incentive chart, and being interested in it. If the child no longer attaches any prestige to the chart, then parents must think about why it no longer works. Perhaps the reward needs to be changed or the steps must be adapted so that they are of the right size - not too easy and not too hard.

 

General Questions About Setting Boundaries


11. Is it not wrong to punish one's children?

Children need boundaries in order to develop a sense of security and to know what is right and wrong. In addition to the positive consequences it is sometimes necessary to use negative consequences to stop the development of problem behavior. By using small and predictable consequences, the family avoids conflict escalation and a lack of cooperation. It is the mixture between encouragement and consequences that is important.

Revenge must not be the motivation behind your choice of consequences. Quite the contrary: it is important that children learn to choose whether they want to follow rules or not.

 

 


12. My child always does as told once I get angry enough. Why should I change this, given that it works?

Because anger does not give any long-term positive effects in terms of changing your child's behavior. Many parents are uncomfortable being angry with their children. Most children are afraid of angry adults. There is also a danger that the adult's anger may escalate. Your child needs to learn to listen without adults needing to be angry. This is a necessary experience for your child, both at school and when starting to work.



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